By Doug The Executioner

(Editors note: I actually wanted to find an image of someone with an axe and an hood standing over a chopping block for this one. Presenting the first in a new series of articles designed to make you wonder just what the studios were thinking. Or if they were.)

I have a zine entitled Divine Exploitation that has run this column since it's inception in 1988. So, if someone says there is already a column like this on the net they stole it from me. Okay? Okay. Now let's get the ground rules out of the way, shall we?
I can only judge the movie by its ad campaign. If I see the movie it sort of negates the whole experience here, get it? Good.
Let's begin.

PINK PANTHER - Starring Steve Martin who hasn't been good in anything for a long time with the exception of NOVOCAINE. Nothing like pissing all over the comic genius corpse of Peter Sellers is there? I will actually never see this.

EIGHT BELOW - I actually get a kick out of movies that are expected to do jack at the box office and then they take off running because no body likes to make true family entertainment films. Plus I'm a sucker for dogs.

CURIOUS GEORGE - Will Ferrell is The Man In The Yellow Hat. Um, this is dumb and way to late in the game to be a movie. I'm not even letting my kids watch this one. We'll read the books instead.

FINAL DESTINATION 3 - Nothing like milking a dead cow to get a sour concoction that nobody in their right mind could possibly stomach.

FREEDOMLAND - Samuel L. Jackson screaming his way through a movie. Pretty novel idea except for the fact that it isn't.

DATE MOVIE - I must just be partially retarded because these stupid things just crack me up. I'm not paying theater prices to see it but there's always dollar night at the video store for this baby.

RUNNING SCARED - No idea what this is about. Sorry.

TYLER PERRY'S MADEA'S FAMILY REUNION - Welcome to the winner of most awkward title of a movie. Ever. I'm not seeing this one either.

DOOGAL - Is anyone else sick of these Pixar wannabes trying their hand at sentimental crap? I am. I hear the fanboys out there. But, Doug it's got Kevin Smith doing one of the voices. Would that be the same Kevin Smith who is most famous for a character who doesn't talk?!?

16 BLOCKS - Saw the preview for this one and really liked what I saw. Even though I am sick of rap stars getting parts they aren't qualified for. Richard Donner knows mindless action so this should be a great popcorn movie.
BLOCK PARTY - I really like Dave Chappelle. This looks like a throwback to the seventies when people were allowed to make any kind of movie they wanted even if it sucked. Will this suck, unless you're a mindless Dave Chappelle drone then yes it probably will.

AQUAMARINE - Didn't they already make SPLASH? And wasn't it good? That's what I thought.

ULTRAVIOLET - Now there are a lot of people that are going to hate me for this, but this movie is going to rock. Futuristic sci fi and the incredibly gorgeous Milla Jovovich kicking ass and looking hotter than a woman has a right to. Yup, this could be a mindless piece of retarded cinema and just because Mill is wearing skin tight fighting togs and handing a parade of morons their hind quarters this movie is going to rule.

Okay fans, that's it for this time. Be back next week when I take apart more deserving films based on nothing more than the money that the studios have allotted for advertising.
I remain the executioner known as Doug