Directed by Bill Zebub
Review: Stew Miller
Wow. I seriously do not know where to begin with this. I suppose, in all honesty, the title of this “movie” has it perfectly pegged; this is, indeed, the absolute worst horror movie ever. You know, this may actually be the worst movie ever. Period. I have seen some exceptionally ridiculous crap in my day, trust me on this one, but this movie far surpassed even my deepest, strongest expectations. Just the DVD case alone has a few pictures on it that, had the film been titled anything other than what it is, betray it completely. For one, there is a man lying on the floor (a bathroom, as it turns out) with his head surrounded by smashed watermelon. Lovely effect, that. Oh, and a lady (the actress of which portrays several characters here and there) impaled about the face with playing cards thrown during an inspiring game of ’52 Card Pick-Up. Yup, it’s official, Worst. Horror. Movie. Ever.
Throughout this picture there is a faint wisp of a story basically revolving around a guy (Rocco) and his girl fleeing the scene of a poker game after the rest of the group (friends, I guess, but the interpersonal communication is shaky at best) get slaughtered in various, and each more insipid, ways. The duo, throughout this train wreck, run into each and all of the following: cops (ha ha!), a collection of military men (Ha Ha!), and, get ready for this, Jesus (HA HA HA!!). All of this “action” takes place while all around them lots of exceedingly unnecessary other, yet equally pointless, stuff occurs, such as: terrorism involving just mind-blowing-ly horrendous actors wearing beards and actual towels on their respective heads, random video effects including a cone-headed guy running about with an enormous erection and an animated baby chewing through an electric saw wire, and copious amounts of thick, opaque, obviously sticky, blood. And that, my friends, barely claws the surface. I warn you, unless you want to witness an INNERSPACE-like sequence leading to an abortion with a laser squirt gun, or a band of dancing hill folk incorporating the astounding acting prowess of one Fred the Elephant Boy from the Stern show, a crazed baby-on-a-meat hook (dolls) hanging lunatic slurping milk from plastic boobies, or the aforementioned Christ figure masturbating through the hole in his beautifully-rendered phony hand, avoid this movie like the plague. Sweet Marie, after writing that, I so, SO wish I had.
But, sadly, I digress. I did, a few times, laugh out loud. Believe me, not at all for the oh-so unfunny spoken lines or the witty repartee, but more for the outstandingly stupid use of the bits and pieces of video sequences. I mean, seriously, Demon snowmen? A cringe-worthy portrayal of a slave? A RUBBER BAT FIGHTING A GIANT SPIDER??? Wow, I really have no conceivable clue where to begin with this mess…
Stew Miller