The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
Review by Larry Stanley
I think I can make this pretty easy on everyone. If this is the 'scariest film you have ever seen' you need to stay at home and read a book.
The original "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" from 1974 has become one of the most intensely discussed films of all time, with a legion of devoted fans on one side and on the other the opponents of spatter films and exploitation movies. The sequels it spawned were mostly lackluster attempts to cash in on the name by throwing buckets of blood all over the screen.
That is not horror people. How many times does it need to be said that gore, blood and guts are not a horror film. This movie was a comedy disguised as a splatter flick with some of the most goofy situations and scenarios you could think of.
In itself, that would not have been to bad. But the film tried hard to be a suspenseful, intense drama, despite the fact that it was neither suspenseful, intense or dramatic. If they had played it like a spoof, it might have been fun (for reference, see Andre the Butcher).
Fortunately, the film only runs for about 80 minutes or so but even then it seems to go on forever. I kept thinking "It has to get better." Then I remembered Gigli and realized that no, it does not Have to get better. It could just go on and on and on. Like bad Mexican food on a hot night.
Last Thursday's C.S.I. had a nifty chainsaw death scene that was much better done and demonstrated. Crap, the chainsaw scenes in any movie about lumberjacks are more suspenseful then this piece of drek.
Sure, R. Lee Emery did a great job as the sheriff, with his over the top acting and leading the family in a descent into madness. But I thought the film was supposed to be about Leather face? It seems like less time was spent on him then on Emery.
And I saw way more of Jordana Brewster's butt and boobs then I think was needed. In fact, a lot of the camera work focused on her boobs instead of her face. Guys and future film makers, nipples can't show terror. They can show excitement, but that is a discussion for another time.
Look folks, don't waste your time or money. If you want gore and horror, with a little twist of humor, try "Dead Alive" (also known as Braindead), Bio-Zombie, City of the Living Dead or any other Asian horror or Italian Zombie film.