The Marine
1/2*
http://www.themarinemovie.com/

John Cena Robert Patrick Kelly Carlson Anthony Ray Parker Abigail Bianca Jerome Ehlers Manu Bennett Drew Powell Frank Carlopio

Dear sweet baby Jesus please take the memory of this film from my brain, Amen.
Well? Nope, still there. Crap, I wish I had known this was a WWE film before I went in, I might have had a better idea of what to expect.
See, I have not watched wrestling on TV since I was in pro wrestling back in Memphis. Now, the guys and girls involved in the sport back then were…well… Colorful. To say the least; but they had talent.
I wonder if Jerry Lawler could have become King today if it meant acting like some of the guys I see when I switch channels. Naw, Jerry Lawler will always be King.
Anyway, about this movie. I have been waiting all summer for a really good action adventure. I am talking John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Mel Gibson type action adventure. Even Arnie type would have been a great way to go.
But we get John Cena, a wrestler who has had most of his experience as an actor standing around in shorts either getting hit or hitting someone else. Whee.
Now don't get me wrong, there were gunshots, explosions and even action in the movie. But, there is also action in a Road Runner cartoon, and once in a while explosions. And about as much adventure and excitement. But maybe not as much humor.
Cena is John Triton, a former Marine who faces off against a band of dangerous killers who have taken his wife hostage. Surviving explosions (at least 3) having a car literally torn to pieces around him by bullets, falling out of a car doing close to a 100 as it hits a river (and explodes in mid air) being shot at repeatedly he does what you would expect him to do.
That is John Cena's role in the movie; to run, hit things, be hit, jump and look around with a blank look on his face as much as possible. Even the attempts at emotion seemed to be difficult for him to master.
Cena is no Rock, at least not yet. Maybe with ten or eleven more movies under his belt he could have a shot, but for now go back to following the script you get for the ring.
What was most disappointing was Robert Patrick as the leader of the killers, Rome. My God, what did they have to pay you to star in this trash? Were they holding someone you loved hostage? Did they have incriminating photos? Please, if they do a sequel, don't come back as your twin brother, Remus.
As it is, I think I will have a tough time watching The Unit without snickering once in a while. What the heck was all this winking and motioning toward your girlfriend? Were you (or the writer/director) actually trying to make an unintentionally funny film even more stupid?
Sure, there were some decent attempts at a laugh. I still liked the Terminator joke, and Morgan's story about Johnny Whiplash and Rock Candy gets a chortle when I think of it, but other than the many attempt on the Super-Marine's life, this film was not even as funny as the earlier mentioned Road Runner cartoon.
Please, if you are a Marine don't go see this. Well, actually if you need a decent laugh I guess you could go. But non-Marines or those who don't know anything about them, stay home.
Marines are not indestructible. They don't survive point blank explosions or gun fire. Just look at the number of coffins being shipped back from the Middle East to prove it.
This film almost ridicules the Marine Corp.
And if I had known that was the plan, I would have watched paint dry before I watched this film.